Blood, Anxiety and Puke

So it's 6AMish.

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I'm cold as hell.

Oh, and my vagina is leaking blood.

But I'm really confused right now, and it seems the best thing to do is post something.

Things keep happening really fast and in my head I haven't completely caught up.

It's funny how one minute someone can say they love you and the next tell you not to talk to them.

Or excuse feelings as not real.

That confuses me.

I don't think any of my feelings have ever been fake or the cause of manipulation.

Everyone's worried about me.

At least, they will be.

But it's really fucking cold right now, and if I'm gonna puke I wish it would just happen.

And I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for what's going to happen the next time I see everyone.

I'm glad they have an extra week away from me to cool off.

But I'm still scared.

I don't want to lose them.

But at the same time, my life is my life and they have to let me live it.

I know they want to protect me.

But really, they are more vulnerable than I am.

More needing of protecting.

I'm really scared of fucking up again.

Of trying to help and ultimately messing things up even more.

I feel like I'm not good enough for them, but they need me.

Like, they deserve someone better, but I'm the only one here.

I'm shaking.

Whether from cold or anxiety I don't know.

But I'm sitting in my bathroom shaking and trying to work out in my head what's happening and how to proceed.

But I really have no Idea.

I'll just try not to kill anyone.

Maybe.

 

Until next time, my babies

 

- Phred S.